I asked my dog if he wanted a treat. He looked at me like I was nuts. Guess he doesn't speak human.

My friend said she made a New Year's resolution to read more books. I asked if Facebook counts.

I told my car it needed an oil change. It just kept sputtering.

I accused my friend of being addicted to brake fluid. He said he could stop anytime.

My dentist told me to floss more. I told him I only floss on days that end in 'y'.

I tried to juggle work, family, and social life. Let's just say I dropped the ball.

When I told my boss I was feeling a little under the weather, he told me to get a ladder.

I asked my bank for a loan to buy a treadmill. They said I didn't have enough running balance.

I told my fitness tracker that I wanted to be in better shape. It laughed and said, 'Good one'.

When my phone autocorrects 'lard' to 'hard', I just roll with it. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.

I told my doctor I was feeling run down. He suggested I try jogging instead.

I asked my watch if it was time for a break. It just kept ticking.

I told my plants they were looking a little green. They didn't find it as funny as I did.

I tried to give my cat a bath. Let's just say I need a few more bandaids.

My mom said I need to get my life together. I said, 'Why? I have it perfectly arranged in piles'.

I enjoy going to family reunions. It's like a group therapy session except you have to pretend to like everyone.

The waiter asked if I wanted my leftovers boxed up. I said no, I'll just leave them on the table and see if they multiply.

I told my car it needed a tune-up. It just revved its engine in response.

I love when my boss tells me 'good job' after giving me more work to do.

I told my friend I could quit smoking anytime I want. I just don't want to.

My doctor said I need to exercise more. So now I'm swiping left and right on my phone