If sarcasm was a superpower, you'd be a supervillain.

I'm so glad I have to listen to your opinion. Please, continue.

I'm sure your fantasy life is much better than your reality. It has to be.

I never knew the definition of annoying until I met you. Thanks for the clarification.

I'm not saying you're wrong, but let me just do some research to double-check.

You seem to have a complex about being simple. It's fascinating, really.

Do you ever just look at someone and think 'Wow, you really are the poster child for birth control'?

Please tell me more about how busy and important your life is. I'm on the edge of my seat.

If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I would have watched the news.

I may look calm, but in my head, I've killed you three times already.

I'm sorry you're offended by my opinion. You should hear the ones I keep to myself.

Wow, you're like a ray of sunshine. But a really dark one, like in Alaska in the winter.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

Please, tell me more about how you're an expert in something you've never actually done.

Your intellect is slightly lower than that of a potted plant.

Don't worry, I only judge people based on their horoscope sign.

Oh great, another meeting to discuss what we should have discussed in the last meeting.

I would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong...and I can't have that on my conscience.

I love it when people ask me stupid questions, it gives me a chance to practice my fake smile.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but my ability to avoid responsibilities is quite impressive.

I'm not bossy, I just know what everyone else should be doing.