I may not be a scientist, but I know when something smells fishy—usually my cooking.

Sure, I'll get right on that... right after I win the lottery.

I'm not a troublemaker; trouble just seems to find me and stick around for tea.

Of course I listen to your advice. It's not often I get to hear comedy gold for free.

Excuse me while I take a moment to care about your opinion... okay, moment's over.

I love spending hours trying to find the perfect playlist, just to hit shuffle.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I don't need to impress anyone. My sarcasm does all the heavy lifting.

Sarcasm is just one of my many talents... along with procrastination and napping.

Oh, you want a piece of my mind? Sorry, that's a very limited edition.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving may not be for you.

I'm not saying you're dumb, but your automatic reply is 'uhhhhh'.

I love when people say 'I told you so' like they're the next Nostradamus.

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

I'm not a smart aleck, I'm a skilled reframer of reality.

I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, gravity trips me, and the walls get in my way.

I told myself I needed to stop procrastinating. I'll start tomorrow.

I told my friend I had a dream about drowning in an ocean of orange soda. He said it was just a Fanta-sea.

I finally got around to watching the show about beautiful people living dramatic lives in New York City. It's called the news.

I have a great sense of direction. It's just the destinations that throw me off.

Why go to therapy when you can just bottle up your feelings and hope they go away on their own?