I asked my dog what he thought about the current political climate. He said, 'I'm more of a bone-afide expert.'

I told my computer I'm feeling down. It replied, 'Have you tried turning it off and on again?'

I asked my husband if he noticed I got a haircut. He said, 'No, I just thought you were having a bad hair day.'

I love it when people say, 'This is the last straw'. Oh good, we're finally recycling.

My gym trainer asked me if I had a goal in mind. I said, 'Yeah, walking out of here alive.'

I asked my waiter if the restaurant has a loyalty program. He replied, 'Yes, it's called McDonald's.'

I love when people say, 'Life is short'. Well, have you been to the DMV lately?

My coworker told me she's a morning person. I didn't realize caffeine was a personality trait.

I love it when people say, 'You can't miss it'. Challenge accepted.

I love when my mechanic says, 'I couldn't find anything wrong.' So, you heard that noise I was hearing for fun?

I love it when people say they'll 'sleep when they're dead'. Like, you won't have a choice at that point.

I was once asked if I had any hidden talents. I replied, 'Yes, keeping my cool in a room full of idiots.'

I love it when people say, 'Just be yourself'. Well, which one?

I love when people say they'll 'pray for me'. It's like a passive-aggressive way of saying they think I'm hopeless.

I'm currently taking anger management classes. The key is to stay calm and resist the urge to punch everyone in the face.

I'm not saying my boss is demanding, but he has 'reply all' on his tombstone.

I asked my dentist if he believes in ghosts. He said, 'Only when they don't floss.'

I don't have a beer belly, I have a liquid grain storage facility.

I'm not saying I'm an expert in everything, but I have Google.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm just prioritizing my need to not get off the couch.

I like to live life dangerously by removing USB drives without safely ejecting them first.