I don't always procrastinate, but when I do... I'll get back to you on that.

I have a black belt in earning participation trophies.

Why strive for perfection when mediocrity is so much easier to achieve?

I love it when my phone autocorrects my perfectly spelled words into complete gibberish. It's like having a personal comedian in my pocket.

Don't worry, I'm not as dumb as I look. I'm actually dumber.

I woke up feeling like a million bucks today. Too bad I'm in debt.

I clean my house every two weeks. Today is the second week, so I'm expecting visitors anytime now.

I always say 'no' to drugs. It's much easier to say 'yes'.

I'm not really a people person, but I'm a one-person person.

I don't always finish things I start, but when I do, it's my plate of food.

I don't drink water because fish do things in it.

I love when people tell me to just relax. It's my favorite thing.

I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I'm barely an 'eating lunch at 3 pm' person.

I don't need good luck. I have sarcasm.

I would tell you a joke about procrastination, but I'll do it later.

I've been on a seafood diet - I see food and I eat it.

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.

I love when my phone autocorrects \"ducking\" to the word I meant to type. So helpful!

I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze. Perfect timing.

I wasn't planning on getting out of bed today, but then it dawned on me.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.