I'm not stubborn. My way is just better.

Oh, you're a grammar Nazi? I'll make sure to use improper punctuation just for you.

I love learning about new cultures. It's fascinating how wrong they all are compared to mine.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I'm not a smart aleck, I'm just sarcastic beyond my own understanding.

I'm not saying I'm old, but my birth certificate makes me depressed.

I asked the doctor if he could recommend something for my memory loss. He said, 'Sure, try to forget about it.'

I don't need a hairstylist, I wake up with an effortless bedhead look every day.

I told my computer I wanted a break, so it gave me a 15-minute update.

My boss told me I need to be more assertive. I said, 'Whatever you say.'

I only use 10% of my brain. The other 90% is just there for emergency backup.

My doctor told me I need to watch my drinking. So now I do it with a mirror.

I like to live on the edge. Like, eating soup right out of the microwave.

I don't have a Fitbit, but I do have a couch potato.

I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life clearly didn't choose me either.

My neighbor asked if he could borrow my lawnmower. Not sure why he thinks I have a lawnmower or care about my lawn.

I always say 'good morning' to our office coffee machine. It never responds. Rude.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. At least I think that's how it goes. I can't quite remember.

I asked my friend how to combat high cholesterol. He said, 'Try cheeseburgers.' Well played.

I love when my boss tells me to have a good day. As if I have a choice.