I'll be sure to procrastinate on that as soon as possible.

Why make eye contact when you can just stare at your phone?

Why sleep when you can just spend the night overthinking everything?

I love it when my face breaks out right before a big event. It's like a surprise party on my face.

I guess if you're not part of the solution, you're just hanging out with me.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but I think I might be.

Why sweat the small stuff when you can just avoid it altogether?

I'm really good at making plans. I'm even better at immediately cancelling them.

I found a grey hair today. I named it after all my missed opportunities.

I'm great at giving advice. Just follow the opposite of what I say.

Why be productive when you can just think about being productive?

Meeting new people is so easy. Just avoid eye contact and talk about the weather.

I could tell you a dad joke, but I think you already have one.

Nobody ever wants to talk about my irrational fear of vending machines, but I feel like it's really starting to spiral out of control.

Why get a gym membership when you can just complain about being out of shape?

If I wanted to hear the sound of an idiot, I'd fart in your direction.

I love when people tell me to 'get a grip.' As if I'm not already hanging on by a thread.

I'm not anti-social, I'm just pro-alone.

Do I believe in love at first sight? Absolutely. But I also believe in taking a second look to confirm my suspicions.

I don't follow trends. Unless you count breathing and blinking.

Thank you for saying I'm not as dumb as I look. It's a compliment, right?