I always walk into a room and forget why I went in there. It's like my brain's way of pranking me.

People call me a perfectionist, but I'm not even good at that.

I'm not good at math, but I excel at counting down the minutes until I can leave work.

I'm not saying I'm old, but even my birth certificate is expired.

I tried to boost my self-esteem by googling myself. It didn't help.

I asked my friends if I'm funny. They said, 'You're a joke.'

I tried to take up a new hobby, but then I remembered how bad I am at everything.

I watch horror movies to feel better about myself. No matter how bad things get, at least I'm not running from a chainsaw-wielding maniac.

I tried to make a vision board, but then I realized my only vision is 20/20 hindsight.

I'm so bad at directions, even my GPS yells at me.

I tried to join a cult once, but they said I wasn't a good fit – apparently, they had standards.

I'm so bad at dancing, my cat looks embarrassed when I try.

I'm so bad at social media, my posts have their own fan club...of zero.

I'm so bad at fashion, even my mannequin has better style than me.

I'm so bad at time management, I'm pretty sure I'm still late for my high school graduation.

I'm so bad at public speaking, even my shadow walks away in embarrassment.

I'm so bad at jokes, I have to pay my friends to laugh at them.

I'm so bad at photography, my camera automatically blurs my selfies for me.

I'm so bad at exercising, my fitness tracker sends me condolence cards instead of motivation.

I'm so bad at spelling, autocorrect just throws in the towel when I text.

I'm so bad at adulting, my pet fish gives me lectures on responsibility.