I wish I could say I'm a master of karaoke, but my rendition of 'Happy Birthday' begs to differ.

I tried to make a list of all my talents, but I ran out of paper.

I'm like a mosquito at a nudist beach - I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but my idea of a workout is changing the channel without looking for the remote.

I tell people I'm a fantastic cook, but the smoke alarm seems to disagree.

I'm like a human rollercoaster - you never know if I'm up or down.

When it comes to fashion, I'm a trendsetter...for what not to wear.

I've been called a scatterbrain, but I prefer to think of myself as a human pinball machine.

My dance moves are so bad, I get asked if I'm having a seizure.

I tried to be a stand-up comedian, but people kept thinking I was telling my life story.

I'm not lazy, I'm just highly efficient at doing nothing.

I'm not completely useless, I can always serve as a bad example.

I have a black belt in karate, but only when I'm sleeping.

I speak three languages: English, sarcasm, and awkward silence.

I'm not clumsy, I'm just a living example of gravity.

I'm not a bad cook, I just make meals that keep the smoke alarm busy.

I have a memory like an elephant - if elephants constantly forgot where they left their keys.

I'm not stubborn, I just refuse to listen to reason.

I've been called a perfectionist, but I like to think of myself as consistently inconsistent.

I have a face that only a mother could love, and she wears a ski mask.

I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but hey, at least I can light up a room.