I'm so clumsy, I could trip over a flat surface.

I'm so bad at small talk, I once made awkward silence seem welcoming.

I'm so bad at social media, my profile picture is from 10 years ago.

I'm so bad at telling jokes, I make Dad jokes look cutting edge.

I'm so bad at math, even Siri can't help me with my calculations.

I'm so awkward, I avoid eye contact with my own reflection.

I was voted 'Most Likely to Trip Over Nothing' in high school.

If my life had a flavor, it would be bland.

I always get excited when I lose weight, only to realize it was just a sneeze.

I like to think of myself as a 'before' picture in a makeover magazine.

My family tree is a cactus: everyone is a prick.

If I was a superhero, my superpower would be making awkward situations even more awkward.

I have a black belt in online shopping and a white belt in every other aspect of my life.

I'm the reason why shampoo has instructions.

I'm the human equivalent of a typo.

I laugh at my own jokes because I'm my own biggest fan.

I'm the person who says 'it could be worse' right before it gets worse.

If there was an award for clumsy, I'd probably trip on my way to accept it.

I'm not a baker, but I make a mean burnt toast.

I have a 'do not disturb' sign on my heart because I keep letting in the wrong people.

I'm like a GPS without a signal - constantly lost.