My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

I told my therapist about my fear of random letters, they said I have a fear of consonants.

I used to be a door-to-door salesman, but I couldn't find the right door.

I tried to write a joke about unemployment, but it didn't work out.

I once met a talking tree, but it didn't have much to say.

I asked my dog what's up, he said 'the ceiling.'

I tried to tell a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.

I tried to play hide and seek with my cat, but she always finds me.

I told my plant a joke, but it wilted at the punchline.

I asked the doctor for a joke, but all he did was give me a shot.

I'm reading a book on invisibility, I just can't seem to put it down.

I'm friends with a microwave, we really cook together.

What did the scarecrow win an award for? Being outstanding in his field.

Why did the chicken sit on the egg? To keep it warm.

How does a cucumber turn into a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank coffee before it was cool.

What did the hipster say when he ran out of kale? 'Kale me now!'

Why are elevator jokes so classic? They work on many levels.

What did the softball say to the baseball? 'Catch you later!'

Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed.

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!