Why did the ghost go to therapy? To exorcise its demons.

My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I bought my son a fridge for his birthday. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a shovel.

I always feel better after a good cry. Especially when it's at a funeral.

I hate it when people don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. There so stupid.

I asked the instructor at the shooting range if he could teach me how to aim. He said, 'Sure, just don't shoot.'

I'm tired of people telling me to stay positive. HIV positive isn't that great.

I'm not a fan of wind turbines. They're way too shady.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a map to the divorce attorney.

Why did the robot go on a diet? Because he had a byte problem.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a cyanide pill.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a gun.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a knife.

I've always wanted to be a mime. But I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut.

I asked the doctor if he could help me stop aging. He said, 'Sorry, that's out of my hands.'

I am not a fan of chiropractors. They always have a back-up plan.

I used to be a butcher, but I couldn't make the cut.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it.

I asked the genie for a longer memory. He said, 'Sorry, I would, but I forgot how.'

My wife left me because I am too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to grab coffee.