Why did the scarecrow become a lawyer? He was outstanding in his field of work.

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about vampires, but she said it sucked.

Why did the zombie join the marathon? He wanted to get his steps in before falling apart.

Why did the scarecrow break up with his girlfriend? She was straw-ngly clinging to him.

Why couldn't the witch solve her math problems? She always got in a cauldronundrum.

Why don't ghosts like the rain? It dampens their ghoul spirits.

Why did the mummy break up with his girlfriend? She couldn't wrap her head around their relationship.

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about witches, but she said it was spellbinding.

Why did the scarecrow become a chef? He was outstanding at stuffing things.

Why did the werewolf break up with his girlfriend? She was always dogging him about his howling.

Why couldn't the vampire get any rest? He was a coffin-surfing insomniac.

Why did the ghost join the rock band? He heard they had killer screams.

Why couldn't the vampire get to sleep? Because of his coffin.

Why did the chicken break up with his girlfriend? She was a little too chicken for commitment.

I asked the doctor if he could help me lose weight. He said 'Just stop eating.'

I told my wife she should do more cardio. So now she walks around the house looking for her phone.

I wanted to be a vegetarian, but my chicken nugget addiction is quite fowl.

I told my wife she should be more punctual. Now she shows up late on purpose.

I told my wife she should be more adventurous. Now she's skydiving without a parachute.

I used to play poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and ended up losing my shirt.

I tried to take a selfie at a funeral. It was a dead-end.