I told my wife she should train to become a boxer. Now she's having a knockout career.

I invited my wife to go on a romantic walk, but I forgot to mention it was through a cemetery.

I used to have a job crushing cans, it was so depressing.

Did you hear about the man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray? He's a seasoned veteran.

I have a joke about construction, but I'm still digging up the punchline.

I told my kids I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. They didn't believe me, but then I saw it in half.

I have a fear of German sausages. They're the wurst.

I sold my vacuum cleaner, it was just gathering dust.

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field of fear.

Why did the chicken sit on the egg? To hatch a plan.

Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple waits until you're 12 to come on your face.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field of dead bodies.

What's the difference between a priest and a zit? A zit waits until you're 12 to come on your face.

Why are graveyards so noisy? You can hear the coffin.

Why don't skeletons play poker in the graveyard? Too many grave decisions.

What's the difference between a baby and a pizza? You don't eat a pizza with a fork.

What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

Why did the scarecrow refuse to have a cell phone? He heard it was full of strawge callers.