I once knew a guy who loved tractors. He was a real Deere friend.

Life is short, unless you're a ginger, then it's soul-sucking and neverending.

I'm not a doctor, but I am a patient person. Waiting for the punchline.

Old programmers never die, they just go offline.

I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was a fantastic stalker.

I asked the butcher if his meat was fresh. He said, 'Of corpse.'

I asked the mathematician if he wanted to play chess. He said, 'Sure, but let's make it exponential.'

Why did the scarecrow become a lawyer? He was used to defending fields.

My wife told me I need to be more affectionate. So I gave her a hug. Apparently, that wasn't what she meant by 'affectionate.'

Why did the chicken join the band? It had a killer drumstick solo.

I told my wife she should learn to embrace her mistakes. She asked if that meant I was finally going to commit to our marriage.

Why was the belt arrested? It couldn't hold up under the pressure of being strapped for cash.

I told my wife I was thinking of becoming a magician. She said, 'Abracadabra, your stuff is on the lawn.'

Why do astronomers hate black holes? They suck the life out of the party.

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my kleptomania. He said, 'Just take this and steal these pills.'

Why don't skeletons fight at the gym? They don't have the guts or the muscle.

I used to play softball, but then I struck out...with the law.

I saw a sign that said 'Trespassers will be prosecuted.' Good thing I can't read.