I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices. She said, 'Be quiet, they'll hear you.'

I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings – it's a complex complex complex.

I asked the butcher if he had any duck meat left. He said they were all sold out, as they kept flying off the shelves.

Why do we tell actors to 'break a leg'? So they can't run away from the consequences of their bad performances.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was excellent at scaring away the crows, but not the bodies he hid in the field.

I finally mustered the courage to tell my crush how I feel. Turns out, she doesn't like corpses.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired of always being ridden to crime scenes.

My son asked why parents always play hide and seek. I told him it's good practice for when the police come looking for us.

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? Because whenever he brought a friend, they would mysteriously disappear.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw all the blood from the murder scene and wanted to fit in.

I asked my dad for his best dad joke. He said, 'You,' flinging a knife at me.

Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus, as well as an unhealthy obsession with human suffering.

Why did the math book look sad? Because it kept losing its X and couldn't find Y.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field of brainwashing birds to cover up his crimes.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? 'Cleanup on Aisle 7, it's a murder scene.'

Why did the ghost go to the party? To haunt everyone who wasn't wearing black.

Why do we tell actors to 'break a leg'? So they end up in the cast of characters in the next horror movie.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug...then whispered, 'You're next.'

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired, just like the suspect running from the crime scene.

Why did the ghost go to the party? To mingle with the living so they wouldn't suspect it was haunting their house.