I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me something for my paranoia. He said, 'Of course, but you'll have to pick it up at the abandoned warehouse down the street.'

I used to be a professional photographer, but I got tired of always focusing on the negatives.

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too obsessed with astronomy. What planet is she on?

I told my therapist I had a problem with procrastination. She said, 'We'll work on that tomorrow.'

Remember, you're not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She threw her arms around me.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life.

Why was the math book sad? It had too many exes.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer...never gets old.

I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? When he asked who the best composer was, they all replied, 'Bach Bach Bach!'

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.

I asked my doctor for a second opinion. He said, 'Sure, you're ugly too.'

Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his crown checked.

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

I've been told I have a dark sense of humor. I guess you could say it runs in my family cemetery.

I used to be a butcher, but I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work.

I told my therapist about my addiction to break jokes. He told me I need to get off on a lighter note.

I asked the doctor if he could recommend something for my paranoia. He said, 'Who told you to ask that?'

I tried to organize a hide and seek club, but it kind of failed. Good group of people, just never showed up.