I once swallowed food coloring. The doctor said I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I told my wife she should learn to embrace her mistakes. Now she's married to my best friend.

I used to be addicted to soap. But now I'm clean.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I entered a pun contest. It's a play on words.

I used to build stairs for a living. It was an uplifting experience.

I asked the gym if they had any dumbbells. They told me all their equipment is intelligent.

I poured root beer in a square cup. Now I just have beer.

I told my therapist about my dark sense of humor. He said we should work on my coping mechanisms instead.

Why did the ghost go to the party alone? Because he had no-body to go with.

Why was the anti-vaxxer's computer so slow? It couldn't process any information.

I asked the grave digger if he's ever made a mistake. He said, 'Every body I bury is a grave mistake.'

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't give him enough space.

I went to a seafood restaurant and saw a sign that said 'Today's special: Jaws of life.' That's a bit dark even for me.

Why did the necrophiliac go to the party? He heard the people were drop dead gorgeous.

My ex-wife is like a fine wine. She's locked in my basement and getting better with age.

Why don't old people like to play hide and seek? Because good luck finding them.

I asked the fortune teller to predict my future. She said, 'You don't have one.'

I failed my biology test because I thought the mitochondria was the powerhouse of the cell. Turns out it's my crippling anxiety.

I decided to become a stand-up comedian at the funeral. Let's just say it was a dead crowd.

I told my grandparents I have a dark sense of humor. They said they remember the Great Depression.