Why did the vampire get kicked out of the haunted house? He was a pain in the neck.

I told my wife she should do more yoga. She told me to namaste away.

I tried to join the cannibal club, but they said I was 'too chewy'.

I asked the Grim Reaper for a day off. He said I could have eternity off.

I always keep a gun in my pocket in case of a bear attack. Then I remember bears can't operate firearms.

What's the easiest way to make a plumber blush? You show him your pipes.

I asked the bartender for a double shot. He handed me a picture of my ex.

Why couldn't the vampire get a girlfriend? He had a bat personality.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people who hurt me. I sent them all to the IRS.

I wanted to tell you a joke about construction, but I'm still building up to it.

Why are cemeteries so noisy? Because of all the coffin.

I bought a new belt made of watches. It was a waist of time and money.

Why did the chicken join a cult? To get to the other side of life.

I told my therapist about my issues with commitment. She introduced me to her children.

I finally found a diet that works for me. It's called the 'see-food' diet - I see food, I eat it.

I used to be a necrophiliac, but I couldn't breathe any life into the relationship.

I told my wife she should be more spontaneous. She filed for divorce.

My girlfriend told me I'm like a dog - loyal and loving. I got excited until she said, 'and sometimes I wish I could put you down.'

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology, it's terrible, don't read it.