I like to think of my job as a mortician as a dead-end career, but at least I'm always on time.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

I was going to tell a time travel joke, but you guys didn't like it.

Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants at gunpoint.

Do you know why the scarecrow won an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's π-rational.

Why did the werewolf go to the psychiatrist? He wanted to talk about his hairy issues.

Why don't aliens eat clowns? They taste funny.

Why did the vampire get hired as a barber? He gave a killer shave.

Why was the ghost such a good detective? He always followed his gut instincts.

Why did the zombie apply for a job at the bakery? He wanted to work with his 'bread' brethren.

What did the ghost teacher say to her class? 'Watch the board, I'm going through it!'

Why did the headless horseman start a band? He had a 'head'-banging style.

Why did the vampire break up with the witch? She couldn't handle his 'bat' behavior.

What did the skeleton say before eating? Bone appétit!

Why did the zombie break up with his girlfriend? She didn't have enough brains.

Why was the math book so sad? It had too many 'problem' areas.

Why do skeletons make bad comedians? They have a dry sense of humor.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She tasted funny.

Why did the serial killer go to therapy? To work on his stab-ility.