My girlfriend told me to stop singing 'Wonderwall' to her. I said maybe.

I finally quit my job as a history teacher. There was no future in it.

I told my therapist about my obsession with origami. She said to fold it.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Why did the butcher take up acting? Because he wanted to beef up his skills.

I adopted a highway, but I had to give it back. It kept crossing boundaries.

My girlfriend accused me of being a transponder. That stung.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a rope.

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to go with, and his ex was there with her new boyfriend, a grave digger.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed space, and a new planet to explore.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed his space, and she wanted to settle down on Mars.

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with, as his ex-wife had taken his bones in the divorce settlement.

Why did the ghost get expelled from school? It had too many spirit days.

Why did the zombie get his driver's license? He wanted a car with brains.

Why did the vampire become a banker? He heard they have great blood interest rates.

Why did the skeleton break up with the vampire? The relationship was a bit too bare bones.

Why did the vampire join the culinary school? He wanted to learn how to cook a stake.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to the math class? She had too many problems with the sun going down.

Why did the zombie go to the doctor? He had too many grave concerns.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't have enough meat on her bones.

I finally found my ideal weight. On Instagram.