I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call. She said, 'You're about to die at 8 am.'

I told my son he has a split personality. He told me to get lost, so I walked off.

I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust.

I haven't slept for three days. Because that would be too long.

I asked my wife if she ever wanted to live in a castle. She said no, she's already married to a royal pain.

I told my friend he should embrace his mistakes, so he hugged his ex-wife.

I tried to learn from my mistakes, but I got detention for cheating in history class.

I asked the doctor if he had any vitamins for my memory. He said I should try Vitamin C.

I told the police I found a dead body, but they just told me to stop playing hide and seek.

I told my friend I was reading a book on reverse psychology. He said I probably wouldn't understand it.

I asked the dentist for some floss, but he said I was trying to pull his teeth.

I tried to tell a chemistry joke, but there was no reaction.

Why did the math book look miserable? Because it had too many problems.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me promise not to be flaky about it.

I'm friends with an alarm clock. We go way back.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

I told my wife she should loosen up. She took it the wrong way and filed for divorce.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my uncontrollable gas... He prescribed a scuba diving lesson.

My doctor told me I'm allergic to my own tears. At least I finally have an excuse for my resting sad face.

I put my cat in the dryer to see if it would turn into a lion... Now I just have a hairball problem.