I told my wife she should take up cross-stitching to relax. She said that would be a stitch in time out.

I asked my wife to play hide and seek, but she said she wasn't hiding. I haven't seen her since.

I wanted to tell a joke about a broken pencil, but it was pointless.

I told my family I'm addicted to brake fluid. They say I can stop anytime.

I told my wife she should do squats while watching TV. She said that would be a channel changer.

Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants in connection with suspender files.

I told my wife she should take up yoga for stress relief. She said that would be a good stretch for her patience.

I asked my wife if she wanted a view of the ocean. She said, 'No, I sea enough already.'

I told my wife she should do more cardio. So she started walking away from me faster.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner because it was just gathering dust.

My wife told me I should stop singing 'Im a Believer.' I thought she was kidding. But then I saw her face.

I burnt 2000 calories today... That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I'm reading a book on the benefits of mistletoe. It's keeping me in suspense.

I'm starting a company for folks who like archaeology. It's called 'Carbon Dating.'

I would tell you a joke about airplanes, but it would probably go over your head.

I took a selfie at a graveyard. Now it's a photobomb.

Why did the skeleton go to the party? Because he had a bone to pick.

I asked the doctor if I would live to be 90. He said, 'Do you smoke or drink?' I said, 'No.' He said, 'Then what does it matter?'

I told my wife she should've been more specific when she asked for a diamond ring. So she got a coal ring.

I'm reading a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable.