I tried to drown my sorrows, but they learned how to swim.

I told my wife I wanted to die like my grandfather, peacefully in my sleep. She said, 'Not screaming like the passengers in his car.'

Why did the ghost go to therapy? He had too many unresolved issues.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He heard they had lots of cakes.

I told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts. He told me to take a number and wait my turn.

I told my wife she should join the gym. She said, 'What, and leave you home alone with the nanny?'

Why did the doctor break up with the nurse? He lost patience with her.

I told my boss I was feeling suicidal. He said, 'Don't worry, your job is safe.'

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it would get a reaction.

Why did the vampire get hired as a bartender? He was excellent at draining glasses.

I told my therapist about my fear of obstacles. He told me to get over it.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped.

I asked the doctor if I would live a long life. He replied, 'I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus.' I said, 'I'm sorry, I thought this was a serious conversation.'

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

My friend told me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe...

I told my wife she should try horse riding to stay in shape. She said it's cruel to the horse to make it carry such a heavy load.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He said, 'Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?'

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had, does money even matter?

I told my wife she should try watercolor painting for a new hobby. She said that would be a brush with disaster.

I asked my wife if she knew any jokes about calcium. She replied, 'Yes, but they might be a little cheesy.'