Do you want to hear a construction joke? Oh, I'm still working on that one.

I asked my wife if she's ever considered donating her body to science. She looked at me and said, 'I think they've suffered enough.'

I told my psychiatrist that I have suicidal thoughts. He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

What's the difference between a baby and a dartboard? Dartboards don't scream when you hit them with a dart.

Why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

I asked the doctor if he could recommend something for my constipation. He told me to just start counting my blessings.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he's outstanding at his job. He really knows how to murder crow.

I was reading an article about solving murder mysteries. It's killing me that I can't figure out who the author is.

I told my wife she should be open with me. She said I should pick a lane.

A man walks into a bar...and stays there because life is meaningless.

I used to be a human cannonball, but I got fired.

Why did the ghost go to the party? He heard they had a boo-ffet.

Why are spiders good at computer programming? Because they are great web developers.

Why was the coffee arrested? It got mugged.

Why don't oysters share their pearls? They're shellfish.

Why did the burglar take a shower before he stole from the house? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

Why are there fences around cemeteries? People are dying to get in.

I asked my friend to help me with a puzzle. He told me to look for a piece of mind.

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off the boat? Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be on the boat.

I'm not saying my wife is slow, but it takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

I have a split personality. One moment I'm myself, the next moment I'm someone else.