I once dated a mathematician. It ended when he asked me to find the 'X' in our relationship. I found it. It was with his new girlfriend.

I always knew my ex was a snake. That was before I found out she had multiple hiss-tories.

I took up photography because it captures the moment, before it's gone. Just like my alibis.

I joined the archaeology club, but my career is still in ruins.

My friend overdosed on Viagra. They couldn't close his casket.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug...and a restraining order.

I asked the barber for the 'works'. He gave me a shampoo, cut, style, and a haunting glimpse into my future.

Why did the hitman become a lumberjack? He wanted to branch out.

I tried to become a vegetarian, but it was a missed steak.

Why did the ghost go on a diet? He needed to drop some incorpse-pulence.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field of screams.

I asked my ex if she missed me. She replied with a bullseye.

Why did the clown wear a tie? He wanted to look 'knotty'.

I used to work in a mirror factory, but it was just a reflection of my old self.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the crazy butcher.

I accidentally ran over a cat... I guess that's one less life.

I was so excited to go to the cemetery, but then I realized people are just dying to get in there.

My doctor told me I'm overweight. I guess that's one way to burst my bubble.

My ex-girlfriend used to say I was heartless. I guess she never saw me with a scalpel in hand.

My therapist told me to face my fears. I'm pretty sure he meant in a more metaphorical way.

I went to a seafood restaurant. I got crabs... and not the good kind.