I took my dog to the vet because he swallowed a clock. The vet said he's all right now, but it's about time.

If a child refuses to take a nap, is he guilty of resisting a rest?

I asked the librarian if she had a book on paranoia. She said they're right behind me.

I accidentally drank food coloring. Now I'm feeling blue.

I think my neighbor is stalking me, she's been Googling my name all night. I saw it through my telescope.

I'm tired of people asking me where I see myself in five years. Come on, guys, I don't have 2020 vision.

I asked my dad for his best dad joke... he turned to me and said, 'You.'

Why did the serial killer take a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

Why did the lawyer go to the Halloween party? He heard someone needed to sue the ghost.

Why did the calendar get in trouble? It had way too many dates.

How did the farmer find his wife? Tractor.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gum bear.

Why was the scarecrow frustrated? He was outstanding in his field but nobody noticed.

Why don't vampires have friends? Because they're a pain in the neck.

Why did the ghost go into therapy? He had too many issues.

Why was the necktie having a bad day? It was feeling tied down.

Why did the vampire get a job at the blood bank? He needed a steady income.

What did the lettuce say to the celery? Quit stalking me!

Why don't cemeteries ever get bored? People are always dying to get in.

How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you? When you have to make airplane noises to put your dick in her mouth.

Why did the coroner quit his job? He couldn't stomach it anymore.