I finally realized why my grandpa always said, 'Back in my day, we didn't have fancy technology.' He was a terrible tour guide.

Do you know why graveyards are so noisy? Because of all the coffin.

I walked in on my wife in bed with my best friend. 'Don't worry,' she said. 'I'm just screwing around.'

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American. I told her, 'Who's your Daddy now?'

I asked my wife to try a little role-play in the bedroom. She's a professional actress, so she immediately pretended to be someone who is shocked and appalled by her husband's request.

My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No, wait, she's back. She was just getting coffee.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

I took up meditation to reduce stress. Now I have inner peace, but outer chaos.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. Guess the two of us aren't working out.

My wife always complains that I don't listen to her... or something like that.

I bought my wife a mood ring. When she's in a good mood, it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

I asked the architect if my new house could have a touch of class. He got up and walked out.

I told my therapist about my childhood fear of giants. She said, 'I can see you're a little husky.'

My doctor told me I have to stop masturbating. I asked why. He said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you.'

I told my wife she should do more cardio, so now she chases me around the house with a knife.

My wife asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for the voices in my head. He handed me a Bluetooth headset.

I accidentally drank food coloring. The doctor says I'll live, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside... and outside.

I asked my wife to make me a sandwich. She said, 'Poof, you're a sandwich!'

I asked the gym instructor what exercise I should do to get a beach body. He replied, 'Try running to the beach.'

I finally got a universal remote control. Turns out, it doesn't control the universe.