Why was the belt depressed? It was always getting belted.

I asked my doctor if I'd live to be a hundred. He said, 'How can I know? I'm not a fortune teller.'

Why did the bike fall over? It was two-tired of standing.

I told my therapist that I have suicidal thoughts. He asked me why. I told him it's a conversation starter at parties.

I told my wife she should do her own taxes. She said, 'I can't, I'm married.'

Why was the math book sad? It had too many x's and variables, and it couldn't find y.

I asked the doctor if I'd live to be 100. He said, 'Probably not, but I can try.'

I burned 2000 calories today. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Why was the math book feeling depressed? It had too many X's and not enough Y's.

What's the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

What's the best way to start a campfire? Use an orphan's schoolwork as kindling.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm.

Why did the witch join the baseball team? She heard they were looking for a good broom-pitcher.

Why did the clown break up with his girlfriend? She wasn't laughing at his jokes anymore.

Why did Hitler never eat seafood? Because he didn't like the idea of a final solution.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently, more than eight because my basement is still dark.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She tasted like shit.

Why did the pedophile go to jail? He kept getting caught in 3rd grade.

I changed my password to 'incorrect'. Now whenever I forget it, the computer will say 'your password is incorrect'.

Why did the burglar take a bath before stealing? So he could make a clean getaway.

Why did the mosquito go to school? To improve his biting skills.