What does a necrophiliac bring to a first date? A dead rose.

Why do morticians always carry a pen and notepad? For their deadlines.

What did the undertaker say to the dead body? 'You're looking grave.'

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

Why was the broom late? It swept past the room.

Why did the graveyard start a band? They had the sickest beats.

I accidentally made a Freudian slip. Now my mother won't stop calling me.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

I told my wife she should do cardio. Now she runs away every time we talk.

I joined the Flat Earth Society. Surprisingly, it has its ups and downs.

I asked the devil to give me a hand. He said, 'Sorry, I'm a hands-off kind of guy.'

I named my dog 'Five Miles.' So when I don't want him anymore, I can say I walked Five Miles.

I told my kids the world is cruel, so they better get used to it. They asked if they could go live with their mother.

I have a joke about unemployment, but it doesn't work.

I have a joke about suicide, but it's a touchy subject.

I'm dating a girl with a lazy eye, but I think she's seeing someone else.

I told my wife she should take up fencing. Now she won't talk to me.

I used to be a necrophiliac, but I couldn't pass the stiff competition.

I told my wife she should try yoga. She said she'd bend over backwards to avoid it.

My wife left me for a psychic. Jokes on her, I saw it coming.

I have a joke about anorexia, but it's too tasteless.