I told my wife she should be more into science. She said she's already a chemistry experiment gone wrong.

I tried to clone myself once. Now I have a restraining order against myself.

Why are graveyards so noisy? People are dying to get in.

I told my therapist I had a fear of giants. He told me to take steps to avoid them.

I asked the librarian for a book on suicide. She said they never return them.

I told my wife she should take up jogging to clear her mind. Now she's three miles away.

Why did the tomato turn green? It was seasick.

I invited my new girlfriend to the cemetery. Now she ghosts me.

I used to be a baker, but my bread never rose to the occasion.

What do you call a clown who's in jail? A silly con.

Why don't skeletons fight at parties? They don't have the guts to do it.

My doctor told me I have a split personality. We both laughed at that diagnosis.

Why did the man bury his car keys? He wanted to root for a sports car.

I asked my boss if I could come in late because of a funeral. He said, 'Why not? Deadlines are flexible.'

Why was the belt a great detective? It always kept things under wraps.

I told my wife she should see things from my perspective. Now she's standing on the ceiling.

I used to be a tailor, but I always felt sew-sew about it.

Why did the scarecrow become a stand-up comedian? He wanted to show off his corny jokes.

I told my friend a joke about amnesia, but he forgot to laugh.

My girlfriend accused me of being a pedophile. I said, 'That's a big word for an 8-year-old.'

Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.