I told my boss I needed a few days off. He said, 'Don't bother coming back.'

I asked the pharmacist if they had anything for paranoia. They said, 'Just look behind you.'

Why did the mosquito go to school? To sharpen his biting skills.

Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.

Have you heard about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint.

I used to be a personal trainer, but it didn't work out.

I asked my computer to define irony. It said 'The opposite of wrinkly.'

Why did the tomato start a fight with the pickle? It wanted to ketchup.

What do you call a mermaid on a roof? Aerial.

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one or two? Or better now?

Why do mathematicians hate negative numbers? They're so negative.

Why was the baby strawberry sad? Because its parents were in a jam.

I'm not a doctor, but I play one in malpractice lawsuits.

I'm not saying my ex-girlfriend is a gold digger, but she did ask if I had a grave plot.

I used to be a tailor, but I couldn't sew things up.

I invited my math teacher to my party, but she declined because 'I'm already loaded'.

I took up meditation, and now I'm the master of my own laughter.

I told my computer I needed a break, but it would never give me one.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

I asked the doctor if he could help me with a phobia of the number 13. He said, 'Sure, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'

I tried to join a suicide prevention group, but they said I was a lost cause.