Why don't witches play basketball? They can't handle the broomsticks.

How do you know if a vampire is sick? By how much he's coffin.

Why did the vampire get hired as a bartender? He was great at serving Bloody Marys.

Why did the ghost break up with her boyfriend? He kept booing her.

What did the coffin say to the sick body? Is that you coughin'?

Why did the zombie break up with his girlfriend? He just couldn't keep a relationship alive.

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

Why do skeletons make bad comedians? They can never get ahead.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He heard they had great dough.

Why did the tomato turn to the dark side? It saw Darth Tater.

Why did the banker break up with his calculator? It just wasn't adding up.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist... my chance.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

I asked the doctor if he could help me with my short-term memory loss. He asked, 'How long have you had it?'

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me, and then I didn't show. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.

I tried to take up jogging, but my wine kept spilling.

I sent ten puns to a joke contest to see if any would win. No pun in ten did.

I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.

I invited my friends to a dinner party in the cemetery. I wanted to give them a taste of my grave humor.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He heard they had a lot of dough.

I asked the psychic if he could see my future. He said, 'No, but I see a brief glimpse of your demise.'