I tried to donate blood, but they said my blood type was B negative. I guess they can't handle my bad attitude.

I got a part-time job as an embalmer. It's not for everyone, but dead bodies don't complain.

My grandma always said I was too thin-skinned. I guess I showed her when I made a lampshade out of her.

I told my wife I needed more space. So she locked me in the trunk of the car.

I have a black belt in karate... I wear it every time I go out at night.

I finally got a universal remote. Changed the channels on my neighbor's TV. They couldn't believe it.

I keep a picture of my wife in my wallet. It reminds me of why there's no money in there.

I finally found a solution to my insomnia. I just turn the news on.

Why do necrophiliacs never get invited to parties? They're just a dead bore.

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? He was feeling crumby.

Why was the archaeologist depressed? His life was in ruins.

Why do we bury politicians 20 feet down? Because deep down, they're really good people.

I asked the doctor if he could help me with my fear of aging. He said, 'Certainly, just give me a minute'.

I don't always tell dark jokes, but when I do, hearse what happens.

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better.

I finally got around to watching the exorcist, it was a little mind-boggling.

I asked the doctor if he could recommend something for my fear of heights. He gave me a prescription for Xanax.

I asked the psychic if she could predict my future. She told me I don't have one.

Why can't you play hide and seek with mountains? They always peak.

I used to play in a punk rock band called 1023MB. We never made it to a gig.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field of nightmares.