Why did the comedian break up with his girlfriend? She couldn't take a joke.

Why did the gardener break up with his girlfriend? She just couldn't bloom under pressure.

Why did the musician break up with his girlfriend? She was always 'flat' with him.

Why did the stylist break up with her boyfriend? He kept parting ways with her.

Why was the math book cold? It had too many degrees.

Why did the tomato scream while running down the street? It saw the salad dressing.

I told my wife she should rub my feet for good luck, but it didn't help. I still lost my job at the luck factory.

I told my wife she should do lunges. Now she's two miles away, and I have no idea where she is.

I told my wife she should start a beekeeping business. Now she's a honey trap.

I saw a ghost at the cemetery. He looked a bit transparent about his feelings.

I finally decided to come clean about my addiction to soap. I just can't stop lathering up.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Why do graveyards have fences? Because people are dying to get in.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Stick to something less risky, like bungee jumping.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns are for decoration only.

I have a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it. The punchline is proving to be quite structural.

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry. And too much physics envy.

Dark humor is like a child with cancer. It never gets old.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was too tired of carrying the weight of my depression.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.

I have a joke about schizophrenia, but don't listen to them.