I have a joke about Alzheimer's, but I forgot it.

I finally quit my job as a personal trainer. It just wasn't working out.

I told my wife she should try some performance-enhancing drugs. Now she's gone and enrolled in a marathon.

I used to be a photographer, but then I realized I didn't have the negatives to pursue it.

I invited my friend to my new house and said, 'Can I show you around?' He said, 'Sure, just don't take me for granite.'

I was hit in the head with a can of soda. Luckily, it was a soft drink.

I used to be a tailor, but I couldn't cut it.

My wife was furious when I told her I was having an affair. She said, 'How can you do this to me?' I said, 'Easy, I just make it up as I go.'

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself 'that's the last thing I need.'

I tried to write a joke about the economy, but it was overpriced and nobody could afford it.

I told my computer I needed a break, and it told me to stop using it for everything.

I asked my wife if she ever wanted to try a threeway. She said she would never share a man with another woman.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes, but it's mostly about my life insurance policy.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He kneaded the dough, but also wanted a sweet treat.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes, about me doing the dishes and vacuuming.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salsa dancing.

Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? She just couldn't sink her teeth into the relationship.

Why did the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it was two tired of lying down.

Why did the math book look sad? Because it couldn't solve its own problems.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. The chicken crossed the road first, but the egg had the last word.