I don't need a parachute to go skydiving. I just need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My wife left me for a magician. Now I'm trying to make her disappear.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he truly understood the meaning of straw-mance.

I asked the doctor if my test results were in. He said, 'Yes, the bad news is you have cancer. The good news is you don't have to worry about aging.'

I like my coffee like I like my humor... dark and strong enough to wake the dead.

I'm not saying my ex is a gold digger, but she did leave me for a funeral director.

Breaking news: A man died today when a pile of books fell on him. He only has his shelf to blame.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the library? They had to keep it quiet.

Life is all about perspective. Some people see the glass half full, others see it as an opportunity to drown their sorrows.

I don't have a dark sense of humor, I have a crematorium sense of humor.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated when I die. She told me I wasn't ready yet.

Life's like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people.

I tried to tell my wife a joke about a boomerang. She didn't get it, but eventually, it came back to her.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. They said it was a grave mistake.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasized about me. She said, 'No, not even in my worst nightmares.'

My wife asked me what my plans were for the future. I said, 'To bury you in the backyard.'

I decided to take up smoking to reduce my life expectancy. So far, it's not working fast enough.

Why did the butcher break up with his girlfriend? She was always too wrapped up in herself.

I walked in on my girlfriend cheating with my best friend. Good thing I keep a spare shovel in the trunk of my car.

I asked the genie for three wishes. He said, 'I can't grant wishes, I'm just a bartender.'

Why was the vampire always calm? He got a lot of blood pressure.