I asked my friend how his weekend was going. He said, 'Dead quiet.'

My ex-girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess. So I married her off to a random stranger for political gain.

I told my therapist about my addiction to time travel. He said, 'When do you want to talk about it?'

I called my boss and told him I couldn't come to work because I was feeling suicidal. He said, 'Hang in there.'

Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape the KFC kitchen staff.

I told my psychiatrist that I keep having visions of the future. He said, 'I foresee a long and expensive treatment plan.'

Why did the math student have a good day at the beach? Because he found a tangent.

Why did the dinosaur refuse to wear a mask? He didn't want to cover his jaws.

Why did the pirate buy an eyepatch? He couldn't afford an iPad.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She was always giving him the cold shoulder.

Why did the doctor start a garden? He wanted to practice his patients.

Why don't vampires use Facebook? They don't like stakes in their profiles.

Why did the mime go to jail? He got charged with resisting a rest.

Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.

Why did the skeleton go to the dance? To show off his bone-a fides.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He heard they had stolen goods.

Why did the ghost go to the party? For the spooks and giggles.

Why did the lumberjack break up with his girlfriend? She said he couldn't hack it.

Why was the ghost such a great detective? He always kept his spirits high.

Why did the cemetery become a popular tourist attraction? People could really dig it.

What did the ghost wear to the party? A boo-tie and scare-a-mony.