I'm friends with a map, we're always on the same page.

I'm friends with a pencil, we draw each other close.

I was trying to write a joke about construction, but I just couldn't build up to it.

I'm friends with a fan, they always blow me away.

I would tell you a joke about the roof, but it's over your head.

I shouted 'Thieves!' in a crowded store. Everyone around me started searching for their phones.

I usually meet my wife at the gym, but she didn't show up today. Hope she's okay.

I'm reading a book on how to resolve conflict. So far, it ends halfway through.

I'm really good at solving jigsaw puzzles... well, except for the corners. They're always missing.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on silence. She didn't say anything.

Cinderella is terrible at soccer. She always runs away from the ball.

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.

The pessimist says the glass is half empty, the optimist says it's half full, and the engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked. Then it just clicked.

I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, 'Thanks.' I said, 'Don't mention it.'

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

I spent a lot of time doing research for a music composition I'm working on. It's a real study in futility.

I thought about going on an all-peanut diet... but that's just nutty.

I told my computer to go to sleep... now it keeps snoring.