I told my wife she should jump to conclusions, now she's in great shape.

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood? A spaghetto.

I'm friends with a map, it always gives me directions.

Why did the chicken join a rock band? Because it had excellent drumsticks.

I told my wife she should do push-ups, now she's not speaking to me.

I'm friends with a tree, from the roots to the leaves.

I told my wife she should do yoga, now she's bent out of shape.

Why did the sofa go to therapy? It had too many soft spots.

I told my wife she should sprint to stay in shape, now she's running marathons.

I used to play piano by ear, now I just listen with my Spotify account.

I'm trying to organize a space-themed party, but I can't planet.

I told my pencil a joke, it had no point.

I got a new job making calendars, but I got fired for taking too many days off.

I'm friends with a tree, our roots run deep.

I'm friends with a chair, we have a strong bond.

I'm friends with a door, they always have my back.

I'm friends with a mirror, we reflect on things together.

I'm friends with a pair of shoes, we walk a mile in each other's soles.

I was going to tell a joke about gardening, but it wasn't very ground-breaking.

I'm reading a book on how to improve your memory, I think.

I'm friends with a calculator, we just click.