Why don't skeletons start a band? They have no organs.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer, I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape, she did a moonwalk.

The rotation of the Earth really makes my day, just not at night.

Why did the bakery hire a detective? To find a muffin man.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth - then it's a soap opera.

Making puns is a risky business, it could result in a pun-ishment.

I used to be a baker, but now I work with knead for dough.

I asked my wife if she ever had a one-night stand, she said 'No, I always return it the next day.'

I asked the gym receptionist if they had any dumbbells, she said 'We don't discriminate, all weights are welcome.'

I bought a dictionary with a highlighter in it, that's where I draw the line.

My friend asked me to help him move, I said 'No way, I draw the line at violence.'

I told my wife she needed to be more flexible, she said 'Pack your bags, we're going on a trip.'

I told my wife she should be more caring, so now she's painting my toenails.

I asked my wife if she ever flirted with danger, she said 'No, I prefer a real challenge.'

I asked my dog if he wanted to go for a run, he said 'No thanks, I'm already fetching enough attention.'

I told my wife I wanted to go to the gym, she said 'Honey, you don't sweat the small stuff.'

I'm writing a song about a tortilla – it's more of a wrap.

I'm friends with a Spanish magician – Juan.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, so she applied for a job in the error department.

I don't trust people who do reverse psychology, it's like they're playing mind games.