I told my wife she should embrace her silliness, so she gave me a funny look.

I asked my computer for a joke, now it's in fits of laughter.

I finally got over my addiction to soap, now I'm clean.

I got a new job using reverse psychology - I don't like it.

I told my computer I needed a break, it replied 'You’re not my Crtl+Alt+Del, I don’t have to listen to you.'

I started carrying a knife after getting mugged by a pack of playing cards.

I'm friends with a lot of vegans, but I still bring home the bacon.

I wanted to learn how to brighten someone’s day, so I watched the sunrise.

I'm friends with a lot of unemployed people, without them, this joke wouldn’t work.

I just got a job as a historian, it’s about time.

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape, now I’m two rooms away.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-wheel-y tired.

Why did the ghost join LinkedIn? To make some boo-tiful connections.

Why did the music note go to jail? It was involved in a key crime.

Why did the clock get kicked out of school? It couldn't keep its hands to itself.

Why was the baseball team so good at singing? They had perfect pitch.

Why did the scientist break up with oxygen? It was too clingy.

Why did the hairbrush get arrested? It was caught combing the scene.

Why did the map go to therapy? It had trouble finding itself.

Why was the book depressed? It had too many chapters to deal with.

Why did the razor blade go to the party? It wanted to cut loose.