Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing naked.

I told my wife she should embrace her problems, now she's talking to the mirror.

Why did the math book look puzzled? It had too many problems and no solutions.

I told my fish to behave itself, but it's still acting fishy.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, but I won't apologize for my exes.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make my business rise.

Parallel lines have a lot in common. Unfortunately, they'll never meet.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - I haven't seen her hug since.

I used to be a baker until my dreams went a-rye.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - she replied 'Welcome to Hugville'.

I told my computer to make me a sandwich, but now I'm stuck with a '404 - Sandwich Not Found' error.

I was going to make a joke about sodium and hydrogen, but NaH.

I failed my photography class because I wasn't in focus.

Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work.

I'm a huge fan of calling people randomly. It's called 'surprise mechanics'.

I don't date people from the subway. Too many arguments about which stop to get off.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was a one-night stand.

I have a fear of giants. Feefiphobia.

Do you think cream is better on a scone than jam?

My son's math teacher called him average. That's just mean.

I was fired from the keyboard factory after I wasn't putting in enough shifts.