I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles records - I need help.

Why did the shovel break up with the rake? It found someone more down to earth.

I'm reading a book on the history of things, can't seem to put it down, it's riveting.

Do you want a brief explanation of what an elevator does? Let's go up a floor or down.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, she hugged me and accidentally broke something.

I tried walking into a store that sells glasses, but I couldn't see myself shopping there.

I'm reading a book on the history of fencing, it has a lot of point.

Parallel lines have so much in common, it's such a pity they lead separate lives.

I used to be a firefighter, but I got burned out with the job.

Why did the nursing student carry a red pen? In case they needed to draw blood.

Why did the music teacher go to jail? They conducted themselves poorly.

Why did the vampire open a blood bank? For the transfusions.

Why did the hot dog wear a sweater? It was a little chili.

I'm allergic to political jokes. They make me electile dysfunctional.

Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work.

I'm not a fan of wind turbines. They really blow me away.

I'm friends with all math symbols because we add up so well.

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acrobat does? Let me flip that question around for you.

I’m reading a horror novel in Braille – I should have seen that coming.

I got a universal remote for my birthday – can't find the power button.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.