My dad was a magician. He vanished when I was a kid, but now that I'm an adult, I see him every weekend.

I asked my dog what's a thirsty plant. He said a wheeze.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.

I told my suitcases we needed to split. Now I have a briefcase.

I'm reading a book on the history of clouds. It's over my head.

I'm not a fan of wind turbines. They're just so in-turbulent.

I heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

I'm friends with a watchmaker. We have a lot of time on our hands.

I'm friends with a window. We have a great pane-ship.

I'm friends with a chair. We have a lot of seat-ments.

I'm friends with a kleptomaniac. We take each other's things into consideration.

I'm tired of negative people – I'm going to start a pro-ion club.

I'm friends with a baker because they make the world a batter place.

My ex-girlfriend still misses me, but her aim is getting better!

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

Why did the hipster drown? He ice-skated on the lake before it froze.

I used to be a baker, but I was told I wasn't "loafing" around enough.

I asked the librarian for a book on turtles; it's by Jonathan Slow.

I hate Russian dolls—so full of themselves!

Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate.