I told my wife she should've been a mime, but she didn’t say anything.

I'm friends with some people who don't understand the concept of circular logic.

I screamed 'that's not my baby!' when the nurse brought out a Hispanic newborn, but turns out my wife just cheated on me.

I might only have 4 teeth left, but at least I’m not mathematical.

Why do mushrooms always get invited to parties? Because they are such fungis.

I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke, don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

I’ve been reading a book on the history of glue – I just can’t seem to put it down.

I would tell you a joke about trees, but they would be too wooden.

I'm reading a book on the history of diarrhea - it’s running through me.

After dinner, I decided to switch on a light. I thought that would be easier than trying to find a switch in the dark.

I used to work for a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

I'm friends with a tailor, but we've had some seams issues.

I'm friends with a musician who's always sharp, but never flat.

I asked my dad for his best dad joke, and now he's not my real father.

I tried to write a joke about paper, but it's tearable.

I'm friends with a barber who always cuts hair on the edge.

I asked my mom for her best mom joke, and now she's not speaking to me.

I'm friends with a baker who's always in a loafing mood.

I tried to organize a space party, but it was out of this world.

I saw a movie about a boat, it was quite a reel experience.

I applied for a job at a bakery, but I don't knead it.