I used to be a baker, but it was a crusty job.

Why did the M&M go to school? Because it wanted to be a Smartie!

I'm starting a new business selling socks, it's a real foot in the door.

I tried to take a selfie with my printer, but it jammed the camera.

I entered ten puns into a contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

I told my wife she should do a marathon, now she's watching Netflix for 26.2 days straight.

I wore my favorite shirt to work today, it didn't go well with the dress code.

I dropped my computer off the roof, now it has a screen saver.

I was addicted to soap, but now I'm clean.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. Well, I had to put my foot down.

I told my wife she should do more cardio, so I hid her car keys.

I told my wife she should do math problems to stay sharp - that would add up.

I told my computer a joke, but it had no response - it must be in a bad mood.

I told my wife she should exercise to get in shape - she said round is a shape.

I asked the gym trainer if they had a stairway to success - they said it's just a step-by-step process.

I told my cat they should become a comedian - they said they already have a purr-fect sense of humor.

I used to be a gardener, but I couldn't handle the stress.

I told my computer a joke, but it couldn't compute the humor.

I wanted to be a vegetarian, but I got cold feet.

I'm friends with 3.14159 people - they're my pi pals.

I'm friends with a clown and a knife - they juggle together.