I asked my wife to try on my glasses, but she couldn't see things from my point of view.

I told my therapist I have a fear of speed bumps, but he thinks I'm just slowly getting over it.

Why did the scientist take out a pencil during a lecture? To draw conclusions.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

Why did the Superman file a police report? Because he had his identity stolen.

I told my computer I needed a break, and it responded with '404 Error: Break not found'.

I asked my cat what's 2 minus 2, and he just looked at me like I was stupid.

I didn't like my beard at first, but it's really grown on me now.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his corn field.

My friend told me I should do more cardio, so now I'm on a first-name basis with the treadmill.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, but she kept pushing me away.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I decided to take a sick day instead.

I don't trust elevators. They always let me down.

I named my dog 'Five Miles' so I can say I walk Five Miles every day.

I'd like to give a big shout out to my fingers. I can always count on them.

I used to be a baker. I kneaded the dough.

I told my boss I needed a raise because I'm under a lot of pressure. Now I have a new job at the tire factory, I'm under a ton of pressure.

I'm trying to organize a space party, but Earth is the only planet invited.

I used to play piano with a toupee, but I couldn't keep it on top of the charts.

I used to be a baker before the police caught me. Now I'm in a custardy.

What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans.