I told my wife I needed more space, so we started with her closet.

I got a job making puzzles, it's quite the piece of cake.

I used to be a shoe salesman, but I just couldn't get my foot in the door.

I told my computer I wanted a break, now it keeps sending me vacation ads.

I'm friends with a musician, they really know how to drum up some good times.

I asked my math teacher if I was doing well, he said 'you're average'.

I'm friends with a math book - we have a lot of problems.

I bought a ceiling fan - it's a real overhead.

I'm friends with a pencil - we're always sketchy.

I'm friends with a bicycle - we're always two-tired.

I told my computer it had a virus – now it won't stop sneezing.

I'm thinking about removing my spine – it's holding me back.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday – not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.

I told my girlfriend she should embrace her mistakes, now she has a bear hug.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? It was nacho fault.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? They woke up laughing.

I told my wife she should do sit-ups to stay in shape, she bought a sofa.

I have a joke about construction, but I'm still building the punchline.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, she started dancing.

I'm afraid of speed bumps, but I'm slowly surmounting them, inch by inch.

I asked my dog what's 1 minus 1 and he said bark, now he's a comedian.