I told my math teacher a joke about infinity; she told me it wasn't 'countable'.

Why did the hipster throw his clock out the window? Because he wanted to see time fly.

Why couldn't the pirate go to the movie? Because it was rated arrr.

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson; he said, 'But, Dad, where were you when the Declaration of Independence was signed?'

I told my friend I was reading a book on teleportation; he said, 'I can't put it down.'

I told my friend I was planning a trip to the Himalayas; he said, 'That's a real high point.'

I told my friend I was considering writing a novel; he said, 'That's novel.'

I told my friend I was thinking about starting a garden; he said, 'That's a growing idea.'

I told my friend I was learning to play the guitar; he said, 'That's striking a chord.'

Why did the golfer bring a spare pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

I'm friends with snails because they never judge me, they just take things one step at a time.

I tried to write a joke about the belt, but I realized it was a waist of time.

I told my computer a joke, but it had no sense of humor - it just went to sleep mode.

I used to play hide and seek with a watch, but it always found the time to hide.

I used to play a lot of hide and seek, but good players are hard to find.

I've been trying to write a new joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

My wife asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

My girlfriend tried to make me have a duvet day, and I said 'no, we're finished'.

I took a selfie on an airplane; I guess you could say it was a fly-by shooting.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: That's the last thing I need.

I used to be an artist, but I couldn't paint outside the lines; my life was just too sketchy.